What it’s like to not be married

*I need to let you know that I began writing this before October 10th. Before Jerek got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. But before I say anymore, I want you to know that everything still applies, my feelings haven’t changed. Well things have changed, but I now where a different ring on my left hand and we call each other Beyonce from time to time. But that’s all really, we’re still the same people.*

Moving on.

I read this article a few days ago and although it was formed based on answers from a Reddit thread {who actually takes those seriously} I still got annoyed by it. Everything these married men and women were saying applied to me. You’re probably wonder how since I’ve stated multiple times that Jerek and I are not married. So I wanted to tell you what it’s really like to NOT be married, all numbered bullshit aside.

When my married friends wake up to take care of their kids, I’m doing the same thing.
When my married friends kiss their husbands goodbye and go to work, I’m doing the same thing.
And when my married friends made a commitment to each other I have already done the same thing.

Jerek and I have been dating on and off for almost 11 years (in Nov). When we got pregnant with Tracen I never pondered if he would stay around like some do. I knew him better than that. We were in a relationship and as the months went on it was more than evident we were together forever and beyond excited to grow our family. Our commitment to each other was stronger than ever.

If I got paid for every time someone asked when we were getting married I would be a millionaire. I don’t know what I loathe more, that question or the ‘sooo, are you going to try for a girl soon?’  I always want to respond, ‘yeah we did last night, did you?’  Like get outta my face people!

When Jerek and I talked about wanting to have another baby after Tracen we talked about maybe we would get married before hand but I was always the one that said I rather have 10 more kids and a house before planning a wedding. Growing up my dad was a chef for country clubs working long hours and almost every holiday. He worked probably thousands of events and weddings in my lifetime. My mom was also a event planner before I was born and I worked countless weddings at country clubs through and after college. I know all the preparation it takes to plan a wedding and the stress that comes with it. Not only is it stressful but it’s effing expensive! So when I would tell people I’d rather have another baby and buy a house people often smiled, nodded their head and I’m sure thought I was crazy. To me the MOST important things are Jerek and the boys. Having a space that is our own was next on the list followed by eventually getting married.

I know a lot of people my age (28) that are already divorced or are raising kids as a single parent. While I give the single parents a ton of credit I have always prided myself and Jerek for not being just another unmarried, baby making statistic. We’re more than that. When unwed mothers get pregnant people always judge you. They feel bad for you, pity that you aren’t married and bringing a child into a warm and loving home together as a married couple. What they don’t know is that the home my kids live in is filled with SO much love and dedication from Jerek and I, that I feel bad for the kids that parents ARE married and don’t have this. Newsflash, being married doesn’t mean you’re great parents and being a great parent is all I’m worried about! Sometimes I want to yell this to the old women behind me at Target who’s obviously staring at my left hand while my kids try and ride the conveyor belt and all I can do is smile, pay my bill and make sure I don’t leave my Starbucks on the counter. Cause that would be BAD!!!

I’m hear to to tell you that I take marriage seriously and I only want to do it once. I refuse to comply to what society thinks is normal because I’m not normal, I’m fucking awesome. I work a full-time job, and raise two amazing boys with the love of my life, Jer. I document our lives here and through videos so that I never forget a thing, the good and the bad. Jerek and I do all the ‘normal’ family stuff together like laundry, clean, take the boys to the park, grocery shop and yard work. We do house projects together, we go black Friday shopping together, we make fun of each other for saying stupid shit and we have everything that Taryn Hillin from the Huffington post article says married couples have, and more.

When we do decide to get married we will have something special that many ‘normal’ married couples don’t. We will have both of our boys in the wedding, we’ll be able to document our special day as a family together. This will show through in everything that we do, from the pictures and videos to all the planning that takes place. Because when it comes down to it, the title of husband and wife is far less important to me, what matters the most are the titles of mommy and daddy. In the meantime, don’t look at me and wonder if I’m sad because I’m not married, because I’m not. Don’t feel bad for talking about your upcoming wedding with me because I’m probably just as excited as you are! And to the old lady at Target, the nail polish I’m wearing is Lincoln Park After Dark, would you like to see my middle finger?

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11 Comments

  1. 04.11.14 / 6:05 pm

    Good for you! My husband and I had 2 children (together) before we actually got married. Man, did I get lectured by old folks on the daily.

    Yes, yes, yes to everything you said. There wasn't much of a difference between our relationship, living situation, or the way we raised our kids before and after we decided to marry. Nothing changed but my last name.

    This month we celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary (15 years all together) and I wouldn't have changed a thing :).

  2. 30.10.14 / 5:06 pm

    Wow, 11 years?! That's amazing! That''s proof right there that you guys are fine without having the title husband and wife. I'm sure it must get annoying to hear so many people ask you when you will get married. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we're 23, and I already get annoyed by the amount of times we've been asked the same question. lol.

    MeYouandHayleyLarue.com

  3. 23.10.14 / 5:57 pm

    This is seriously my favorite post by you ever! I love love love it! (And can obviously relate a little.) "I refuse to comply to what society thinks is normal because I'm not normal, I'm fucking awesome." YES!

    • 24.10.14 / 12:48 pm

      It's crazy how many people can relate and in so many different ways 🙂 That's why I didn't want to let this sit in my drafts folder any longer! XO

  4. 23.10.14 / 2:03 am

    Love this post so freaking much!! I don't even know where to start with my comments! Haha!

    I hear you on the whole wedding thing, and what is it with people (although usually meaning well) wanting to be all up in your business. What if you don't believe in marriage, what IF you just don't want to go through the stress of a wedding. I whole heartedly agree that a marriage does not define the quality of your relationship, and I think it is downright sad that women believe that they only have it (real true everlasting BS love) when there is a ring on their finger and an extravagant wedding to show for. Drives me crazy!

    My husband and I got married rather quickly, but if I'm being completely honest we more or less wanted him on my sweet benefit plan at work! HA! We were committed to each other way before he put a ring on my finger and way before we said 'I do'. Nothing changed after marriage, we went right back to being the same two people we were before! We actually went to Vegas to get married too, so that we could buy a house instead of paying for a wedding. I too like to be different 😉

    As for the "are you going to try for a girl" comments… that drives me crazy too, it's as if people are saying two boys isn't enough!

    wow. you're probably sick of my comment now and probably wish you didn't write this post! I loved it though! 🙂 xo

    • 24.10.14 / 12:46 pm

      Congrats, you left the longest comment and I love it! Now come to the states so our kids can play! I can't deny the fact that we've contemplated snagging the piece of paper for Jer to be on my benefits because they're super good as well! To me I wouldn't personally want to get married and then come back to a rental apt or house. Some people don't care but to me a house is an investment and asset and a wedding a is a fun {can be expensive} party that is a sunk cost almost lol I'm not making any money on having a wedding, but house is as we redo it and make memories with the fam 😉

      I think sometimes the girl comments are just a way for people to engage in conversation sometimes, like they don't know what else to talk to me about besides kids. Non the less, it gets old! I do however would like a girl so I can dress her like you do with your LO, I'm dying to buy small leggings, headbands and fur everything! haha

      XX

  5. 23.10.14 / 1:27 am

    I freaking love this! My partner and I have been together for five years, own a house and are planning to start a family next year. Yep, we did all this without being married! I know how you feel, and in fact most of the pressure to get married comes from our own families! While I would love to be his wife, ultimately its a piece of paper and an expensive party. We are both in this for the long run and as far as we're concerned, we might as well already be married. Thanks so much for the post. I blog about my relationship too and would love for you to check it out!

    • 24.10.14 / 12:41 pm

      Congrats! I think the hardest part for some people {family members included} is that the staying together & commitment part is what matters. When people suggest "just go to the court house, its easy and cheap!" my comment is always, "I'm not easy nor am I cheap" haha I DO want a wedding one day but when I can afford it because I refuse to go into debt for a party. Although its a fun and exciting party it's one that in my eyes can wait till the timing is right 🙂 Will def be checking your blog out:)

  6. 23.10.14 / 12:59 am

    One of my favorite posts! You go girl 🙂

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