Dear Restaurant Goers

My mom use to tell me that there was a time period where we just
didn’t go out to eat. Unless it had a drive through she wasn’t keen on
attempting it with two kids alone. I remembering thinking ‘seriously mom,
throw us in the stroller and just GO ya wuss!’

Please take this as a formal apology mom.


{dat sass doe}

Dear causal dinning customers,

Listen up.

I can see you staring at us when we walk in, hoping, and praying
that we aren’t seated next to you. A highchair and a booster seat, come on now!

The hostess starts walking your way. You look to your left and to
your right.

BOOM. Here we are. Sitting a foot away from you. About to
rock your world.

Usually it starts off well. We are prepared with snacks, bubbas
and the iPad, for when the times get tough.

Tracen will usually sit pretty well, maybe smile and blow a kiss
at you if you’re lucky.

Give it about 10 minutes and the kids have drank all the dranks
and the screws are starting to become unloose. 

The food is taking ageeeeessss to
get here, screams the older one. There’s no bacon in the damn place and he
wants to watch something else besides sports. Why else do restaurants have

I see your gears going. Wondering why I keep making that
uncomfortable eye stare at you. Well that’s because we aren’t going anywhere.
We are eating this damn food no matter how long it takes for it to get here!

Sky keeps signing for more. More. ALWAYS MORE FREAKING FOOD.

The food has finally gotten here and I feverishly start cutting up
the boys food. This way they can shove their faces and give us a break to eat,
no no, maybe TALK? Wait people do that at dinner?

Not even 10 minutes later and they are done. Food everywhere. Did
anything even make it into their mouths? I’ve barely been able to dress my
salad let alone have a few bites when it starts.

The iPad comes out and we try to place it in between both boys so
they can watch Peppa while we eat. You know, to share, because that’s what parents
should be teaching their kids you think in that little pea head of yours.

Who are we kidding though? Skylor snatches the iPad, trace
screams BUT HE’S NOT SHARING! Sky takes the iPad and chucks it on the
floor, laughing, knowing exactly what he just did. While we both curse and
attempt to snag it from the ground Sky attempts a Houdini high chair escape.

Peering over the booth your eyes meet with my 20 month old.
 His face is crusted with crackers, milk and cheese and he smiles a big toothy grin at you. I see the interaction and smile, how cute is that I think!
I’m sure you had other thoughts about my germy little monster. Nevertheless, I
thought it was rather sweet. At least he didn’t throw the iPad at YOU!

The waitress trips over Sky’s shoe that he refuses to wear. But we got
her attention and the bill, good job little one, good job.

We tip the usual 20%, sometimes more if you bring my kid bacon
{shout out to the Applebee’s waitress, my kid loves you!}and we’re on our way.
But not without a bribe. I lure them in with a
“prize” at home if they can get in the car with no tears. It works. We’re out.

As we leave I see you flash a fake smile. We’ll be back I think to
myself, and hopefully sitting right next to you!

We finally get in the car, “well that was fun!” we both
say while laughing. Usually followed by a “it won’t last forever, ya know.
One day we will be begging them to have dinner with us!”

Listen up fellow dinners sans kids. That meal out where my kids
are acting like fucking maniacs and you wonder why I can’t control them, I get
it. I get why you may be staring at us, I use to do the same things. But the
looks don’t bother me as much as you may think. In fact, I’m probably attempting
to Vlog the whole thing because this is my life and these are the memories I don’t want to ever forget. I have two little boys right
now and we’re trying to teach them how you should act
out in public. But the only way to do so is to lead by example. You don’t teach
a kid to play soccer by making them watch the world cup at home, you get them on the field so they can learn.

Sure there are some meals out where I contemplate my sanity and
wonder why we even attempted this..again! But for the most part, I enjoy seeing
their faces light up. They get excited to color, to interact with other people
and to order for themselves. Although Jerek and I barely get to speak to each
other during these times we don’t have to cook or clean, so it’s basically a
win in our books!

So the next time we walk in and I hit you with my over packed diaper bag of shit that won’t keep my kids still, keep on starring, your looks don’t
bother me. My boys have a 50/50 chance of being angels at this meal and you
took the gamble on coming out to eat, not me.



  1. 03.26.15 / 2:34 pm

    This is the greatest! I'm going to keep this in mind when I have kids to take out 🙂

  2. 03.26.15 / 1:10 am

    Apology accepted!!!!!! I love that even though it's taken 20-some years, you're finally believing me!!!!!😉

    Seriously though, I really admire you & Jerek's guts. I was afraid of what those other diners were thinking of me and my two wild kids and just kinda hid away. But you & Jerek are very wise. You don't care what those other diners think and you're using these days as teachable moments. (Loved the soccer analogy!

  3. 03.25.15 / 8:21 pm

    This is hilarious and I can totally relate! Just so you know, though, I give real smiles when I see fellow parents going out to eat with their kids…I'm not faking! 🙂

  4. 03.25.15 / 8:05 pm

    Seriously my favorite post I've read of yours!! I was laughing out loud and smiling the whole time reading. I SO get it and just like you, the looks really don't phase me! I'm too busy to even notice usually 🙂

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