Losing

I’ve tried writing this post many times. I always end up selecting all and pushing the delete button. Skylor is my dream baby, one that I never had dreams about. I remember having dreams about Tracen, dreams about my first baby, about how fun it would be, how hard it would be, how I would be as a mother and how he would look.

Skylor was a dream I was scared to have. It wasn’t that usual how could I love another child the way I love Tracen scared, it was something internally that scared me, something that I wasn’t sure if I could go through again.

June 19th 2012 is a day I will always remember. Today I’m choosing to remember it as not a bad day, just a hard day.

life_after_miscarriage

A month before all of this I was getting ready for work and just knew, knew something was different. As I drove to work I stopped and grabbed a few pregnancy tests. Unsure if I could wait till I got home that day I took one at work and then one when I got home. Both were positive within seconds. Tracen was 15 months old at the time. I wrapped them up with a note and had Tracen hand them to Jerek when he got home. As I watched him unwrap them I had a pit in my stomach, the size of a bowling ball it felt like. How were we going to afford another in daycare, another in diapers. His eyes got big and he stared at me and then a smile peeked through. I was happy but scared, I could tell he was too, I’m sure we were both thinking the same thing.

I did the math and knew I was 6 weeks pregnant, I’d be due almost exactly on Tracen’s birthday. Over the next few weeks I felt strange and uncomfortable but continued to go to work and live our lives. I knew I couldn’t get an ultrasound until 8 weeks so I just waited to make the appointment. A few more weeks had passed and I started spotting. I googled what seemed like for hours on end and there were two outcomes, bleeding from implantation or loss. For some reason I didn’t worry too much. I’m not sure why but I never called the doctor. Perhaps I was scared she would confirm the thoughts swirling around in my head.

A week later I was with Jerek’s mom and sister at their family business and it started, I felt everything happening and my emotions came pouring out. In a split second I was forced to tell them our exciting news with tears of sadness and sorrow streaming down my face. Jerek and I went to the ER where they left me in limbo. I was 10 weeks at the time but only measuring at 6. I was confused then at how that could be. Unsure of what was going on they never said if they heard a heartbeat or not. They wanted me to come back in a week to see if a heartbeat developed. I’m not sure why but I didn’t question anything, I just did what they said. I went home and cried unsure of what to do, to not do, to think, to not think. I remember going to church the Sunday before our appointment on Monday and praying, if this is meant to be, please make it happen…but if it isn’t I will be okay, we will be okay..and thank you, thank you for Tracen. That was it. That’s all that I could really do.

The next day it was confirmed that the baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks but for some reason my body was still holding onto the pregnancy. Why was I putting myself through all this for the last month?! That was something I couldn’t understand, it was like my mind, body and soul were trying to hold onto something that wasn’t there any longer. The DNC was scheduled for the next day since my body wasn’t letting go on it’s own. I remember sitting in the pre-op room alone since Jerek wasn’t allowed back there. The nurses were talking and laughing about their weekends, about their summer plans while I’m laying behind a curtain crying and alone. I remember thinking how rude and insensitive they were. I know now that I was just being critical of it all and they meant nothing.

I woke up and felt just like I thought I would, empty. The days after got better. We celebrated Father’s day, then my birthday, then labor day weekend. The months moved by and Halloween came followed by Thanksgiving and then Tracen’s birthday. That day was hard. While excited to celebrate Tracen turning two I couldn’t help but think about what could have been. At the same time I didn’t want myself getting caught up in the sadness because I was actually pregnant again! I was only a few weeks so I didn’t want to share the excitement with people yet.

Scared for our first ultrasound we went in together, hand in hand. We saw and heard a healthy heartbeat at 9 weeks with a due date of August 19 2013. Skylor was born on July 29, 2013, 3 weeks early at a whopping 8 lbs 6 ounces and was healthy as could be.

My heart continually grows and aches and grows some more and while June 19th 2012 is a distant memory without this bad hard experience, I wouldn’t be the person I am today, the mother to dream baby Skylor.

I share this story not for sympathy but as a way to cope. Not so much anymore for myself because I’m in a really good place with it now but because when I was going through this I read countless blog posts, articles, and Googled things for days, trying to find answers that really didn’t exist. What I found was this happens more than people talk about, sometimes there is genetically something wrong and other times there are no answers to be found. Most of my family and friends are reading this right now and never knew anything about it, it wasn’t something I was ready to share. You may be reading this because you too are going through the same heartache and are Googling keywords, fighting back the tears and that’s okay too.

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2 Comments

  1. 20.06.15 / 1:08 pm

    I'm so sorry my friend. I hate that you've had to go through this 🙁 Thinking of you on this day!!

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