The holidays are times that are full of gatherings, food and spending time with family. They are also full of pregnancy announcements with curated photos and witty, exciting captions. Esp. with all the social media that we are surrounded by daily, it can all be a bit much.
Back in 2012 I had a miscarriage and then successfully got pregnant with Skylor 5 months later. I remember first hand the feeling of being letdown seeing pregnancy announcements and we weren’t pregnant yet. I also remember the feeling of announcing we were pregnant and thinking how others would react. I felt stressed for the ones seeing my curated photo and excited comment, what would they think, would they be as sad as I was months prior?
Fast forward to the past 3 years. Ever since we got married, we’ve been trying, but also not trying. I’ve been annoyed and upset every month when I would get my period. I’ve tracked, tested, cried, repeated, month after month. Gone to doctors, had a Hysterosalpingogram test done (checked for blocked tubes), upped my supplements, tried to eat better, exercise more, etc. etc.
I’ve done everything but started taking medication.
Mentally I know there is a reason. The reason is because I’m running two businesses (East & Willow and Glowology) while working a corporate job, making sure I’m on time for school pickup, planning what country we’re traveling to next and concentrating on Tracen and Skylor’s developmental milestones. I’ve been pretty bogged down mentally trying to focus on concerns with the kids that I haven’t taken the plunge to go see a fertility specialist and start the process.
Also, I started feeling like I was failing. Not failing at getting pregnant like you might assume, but failing to take care of myself. I’ve gained 20+lbs in the last 2 years, mentally have been pretty blah about most things and I always felt like I was in a annoyed state of mine every month due to my period. I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t the happy, cheery and fun Chelsea I like to describe myself as. A big piece of me had slipped away and I was desperately wanting her back. I wanted her back more than I wanted to figure out how to have another baby.
It’s taken me awhile but I can confidently say that I’m 110% okay if we don’t have another baby and I’m completely content and utterly happy with our life. I know that sounds really fucking annoying but I am. I also know that if we got pregnant I’d be ecstatic but mentally, I’ve moved on and it feels so good to finally say that! I’m genuinely happy and in a much better state, mentally and hopefully soon, physically! I’m truly excited for others when they announce their pregnancies, am happy when friends give birth and finally feel like I’m much more present in my own life. Taking control of my happiness, my life, is what is truly important. If I can’t make myself happy, how do I expect another baby will.
Instead now I’m focusing on my health, planning more trips and not thinking “oh we can’t go there in 6 months because what if I’m pregnant then!” and making sure I’m uber present in my family’s lives as well as my friends.
While I don’t know what your fertility journey looks like, yes you reading this, I do know that just like being single, just like being a mom, if you don’t put YOU first and remember to take care of yourself, you won’t get out alive. The stress, pain, sorrow and anxiety will take over you. Without realizing these things I probably would still be peeing on ovulation strips, popping a bajillion supplements and upset every month that passed by.