Lets Talk Boobs

Let me just start off by saying this; curse all you mama's that can just throw your child(ren) up on your boob and own that shit! No but seriously, a big F U because it's not fair! Let me take a step back, regroup, and explain, in great detail, why I have such a strong hatred jealousy over you all.

It all began with Tracen, I planned on breast feeding with him. No, I did not take any classes, read any book or even Google, "how to breast feed", I was just going to do it and that was that!  Well Tracen came a month early and was rushed to the NICU right after birth and stayed there for 10 long days. I tried to get him to latch on when I would be there but he just couldn't do it. I was then wheeled in a hospital grade breast pump and stuck my nips in that thing and got to work. Once my milk came in I was producing SO. MUCH. MILK. Like you would probably be jealous how much I was getting. I had a stock pile in the fridge and in the freezer. I would bring milk to the hospital 2 times a day and spend time with him while each time I would try to get him to latch on he never would. I decided that I would just pump, how hard could it be, I mean, I'm just sitting at home, recovering right?


I had bad hip dysplasia for the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy which continued on for the next 5 weeks post giving birth.  In a nutshell I could barely walk. Barely get out of bed. Barely go to the bathroom without being in excruciating pain. I was taking two different pain meds and had to make sure they over lapped each other or I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and Jer wouldn't know what to do with me.  Try and imagine all that while having to get up every 3 hours to warm up a bottle, change a diaper, feed, burp and then lay baby back down. Oh did I mention after ALL that I still needed to pump my huge tits full of goodness. This whole process took almost 2 hours by the time I crawled walked back to bed. Meaning, I had exactly 1 hour until I was woken back up by a screaming baby to do it all again.

Fast forward 4 months and I was dry as a bone. I'm not sure what exactly happen but one day I remember I was pumping and I only got like 4 ounces total from both sides and I thought to myself, "oh shit, that's odd." Each time after that I felt like I was trying to pump long, faster, harder and I was still only getting maybe 4 ounces. I was starting to freak out and we bought some formula to supplement. I then started giving more formula bottles and less breast milk bottles which then led to just formula bottles.  My stock pile I had bragged about (even posted pictures on Facebook, yeah I was that new mom) was gone, every last ounce. I began to freak out. My old place of employment decided to not let me come back unless it was full-time so I was at home while Jer was working two jobs trying to support us all. On top of all that we were going to have to buy formula! Luckily, a month later, I landed my current job now and we were bringing in a lot more money but still I never 'planned' on ever using formula. 

Fast forward to Nov 2012 when we found out I was pregnant again. We had been trying for a little while now and I swore up and down that I WOULD breast feed my next child NO.MATTER.WHAT.

Skylor was born 3 weeks early and I was scared it was going to be the same game as before.  Although this time I gave birth at a different hospital, a hospital that had a whole lactation wing. A hospital that believed in no paci and only breast feeding. I knew they would help me this time, and they did, but I wasn't prepared for the reality if this baby wouldn't take the tit.  Skylor would latch on but only for a few minutes and it hurt, I mean it felt like sandpaper on my nipple.  They tried telling me that he had a small tongue tie and he couldn't get that deep latch because I had flat nipples, yes that is a thing and I apparently have it!  They wanted me to come back after  week at being home and they would 'snip' the part that was tied. I shook my head okay and said I would see them the following Wednesday at 11am. I never went. I looked on the internet, did research, looked under his tongue and I didn't really see an issue. So I went out, bought a tube of nipple lube and 2 breast shields. I put that kid on my boob with a nipple shield and I breast feed him. He took to the plastic nipple and I was happy. I was happy for about 2 feedings, that was until an hour after the first feeding he was starving again, and again and again. The kid wouldn't nurse longer than 5 minutes and then fall asleep. I had a plastic nipple spilling out milk everywhere. All over me, him, the new couch, even the dog, okay not really the dog. But it was fucking annoying! So I started pumping. Without making this post longer than it already is I'll say this. Do what is best for you. Do the research, listen to others advice but the most important thing is do what is best for you and YOUR baby because that's all that matters.  I was getting mad at Jer and Trace for no reason during the day because I was so exhausted from nursing every 45 minutes at night that I couldn't function! When all I needed to do was give him a big bottle at night and he would sleep 5-6 hours! Yes, 5-6 hours at 2 weeks old!  

I just went back to work on September 30th and I'm determined to keep up the breast milk for as long as I can. I can't say it will last a year, or 6 months or even 6 more weeks but what I can tell you is that I will do my best because if I stress out about my milk supply dipping or my nipples not being long enough to shove in the back of Skylor's throat we are all going to be living in a very cranky house and nobody's got time for that!

If you are wondering what my work schedule is and when I pump vs. nurse here is how I have it figured out for now.

Mondays-Fridays I work. So the days I'm at work, I pump in the middle of the night (after I feed Sky a bottle) so around 2-3am usually. I then leave for work around 7/715am and pump around 9am and then again at 1pm. Each time I pump at work I get about 7-8 ounces between the two breasts. I then leave work and am home around 430ish where I will nurse if it's time to eat or pump if he's just eaten.  I usually give him a big bottle around 8 and nurse him to sleep around 9-10pm because he's usually really fussy at night and this calms him down.  The weekends are a mess and I just go with the flow because that's how I roll, ya hear!

So with that being said, can you understand why I'm jealous of all you mama's out there that can baby wear and nurse while doing the dishes or bust your boob out in public and strap on your daughter and talk on the phone with the other hand. I have to wear a biconical plastic nipple if I want my son to even recognize that there is a nipple for him to suck on before he has a major meltdown or my other option is sticking my flat nipple in a vacuum that pulls them out so far enough that Jer refers to them as hotdogs! 

So when you look at your clock and its 9am or 1pm you can think of me, because this is where I am at those times. Strapped up to a very expensive machine just trying to live up to my title as a "working mom".