The title seems a little obvious, but sometimes its not.Everyday there things that happen, thoughts that are said, a realization, maybe that something was over looked. There are times where you question yourself as a mom, a parent, as a person. They say not to compare your kids to others, especially their siblings, but how do you not.They say not to worry about it, not to over think it but that's much easier said than done. As soon as someone tells me not to think about something, not to look at Google or not to get worked up just yet, I become all of those things, and fast.It's a rabbit hole and I fall down it fast.The last 5 months have been a world wind of highly elevated emotions that all started back at the end of September in 2017. We transferred Skylor from his old daycare/preschool that he had been at since he was 8 weeks old, to the preschool that was in Tracen's elementary. Thinking we would give him a year to get use to a new school before starting kindergarten there this coming fall. Also thinking this would be nice to only have one pickup/drop off instead of two. He was going Monday, Wednesday and Friday full days. We assumed the transition might be a little stressful at first since he's a total homebody, but as the weeks went we noticed it wasn't getting any better.At the end of the month I got a call from his teacher asking for a conference that same day. So I called Jerek freaking out, as I do, asking what do you think they want to talk about?! Jerek is much more calm and collected than I am and told me not to stress out until there's something to stress out about.So I went in and the conversation started off with results from a test they had given all preschoolers and there was some concerns. Everything we talked about was in regards to what Sky couldn't do, wasn't doing, or should be doing. It was mentally draining because I never heard one thing that was positive about what he was doing, it was all centered around the negative.This is the moment where I break and start constantly thinking about Sky. Analyzing everything he does, says or rather doesn't do, doesn't say.The last 5 months following this conversation have been full of phone calls, meetings, evaluations and questions I never thought I needed to remember the answers to.And tears, so many tears.It's extremely difficult getting phone calls saying your child is constantly running out of the room and the teachers cant find, that he wont sit at carpet time or play with any kids. When all the kids in the classroom know your sons name but your son can't name any of theirs. When you sit in a room full of specialist and they tell you he's cognitively at age 24 months, or emotionally at 18 months, or physically 3 years old.That's whats happen last week. 7 specialist presented us with their evaluations they did and told us where he stood. Early Childhood Developmental Delays is what we were told.Now I'm a strong person, but I felt so broken leaving that meeting. Questions like how far is he really behind? Will this be forever? Does this mean he might only mentally grow to a certain age? Will he eventually catch up? Am I overreacting? What if what if what if?I know, I know, its too soon to really tell anything but I'm bad at shutting my brain off most days.These last 5 months seem to be blurry. We took a much needed vacation, celebrated holidays, and birthdays but always in the back of our head was, when will we get answers.Tomorrow Sky starts a Special Education program that will allow him to see all the specialist he needs; OT, speech and language, a social worker, therapist and a special education teacher that are all equipped to working with him.  Just as important, both mine and Jerek's job's have worked with us and we're working at home a few days a week to accommodate this new schedule. We are also very fortunate to have family that will be helping as well.While I'm constantly looking back and wondering why I didn't notice things sooner I'm trying not to put any energy into that. Be grateful for this new program, whatever timeline it has and celebrate the positive strides he is making. Things like knowing his full name when asked, engaging and playing with Tracen and his cousins or the most recent, waiting in line at a very loud and sensory stress driven place with kids almost on top of him.

Much love to my little rainbow baby  XX